This all got started from a post I wrote on Facebook. It was almost bedtime, and I was dreading going to sleep. You'll understand why when you read this post. I was tired of dreading going to sleep, and also sort of laughing at myself for still having so much personal/internal shit to work through. I have long been at peace with the fact that one can be pretty high-functioning and also pretty screwed up, but I sort of expected the screwed-upness to be winding down as I got older. And yet, there I was, having just taken another drubbing from my Internal Critic and fully expecting her to wake me up in the morning with more of the same. So here's what I wrote (you can also view it on Facebook):
I've been trying to figure out what I want to do for myself for my birthday. I go through this every year, and like every year it's now a week past my birthday and I still haven't figured it out.
I kind of think that the thing I want most for my birthday is to kill my inner critic. She's just awful, and I find her hard to live with. One would think that, having lived with her for this long, I'd be used to her... but really, it's just an unhealthy codependence. It's not love.
So I had pretty much settled on killing her off, but then I remembered what happened to the girl in Locke & Key, the one who killed her fear. That turned out to be a terrible plan. Apparently, she needed her fear to stop her from doing progressively more dangerous and stupid things.
So then I started worrying: What if I need my inner critic to keep me from doing progressively more dangerous and stupid things? One might think that if I killed off my inner critic, I would discover that I was actually quite wonderful. But wouldn't it be ironic if I found out instead that the inner critic was right and was serving a vital purpose?
I also wonder about inner critics in general. Do we all have them? Are they all equally brutal? Is it even possible to get them to play nice, or to make peace with them? If you have one, does yours ever shut up? Because mine is absolutely never out to lunch. Does that mean I got a dud, or one of the better ones? When it comes to inner critics, is it the more brutal the better, or the opposite?
So I'm curious... Have any of you successfully killed your inner critics? And did it make you more dangerous or more beautiful? Or both?
The discussion that followed was exactly what I have come to expect from my friends: Supportive, thoughtful, insightful, funny.
- Anne-Marie: I have made peace with my inner critic, most days. 3am is a different struggle.
- Nanz: I like my inner critic. I see her as my grandma. “You can do better” she would say in a very gentle way. To please her I would work hard and do better. I always imagine her cupping my face in her hands and telling me when a project met her high standard. Her standard always involved helping others in some way too.
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Eileen: Mine usually just wants me to clean the house. I don’t pay much attention. But, no, she never takes a break.
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My inner critic used to paralyse me for periods of time. I wouldn't be able to move on and find peace of mind. I never actually talk about this but your post rang so true to me.
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Helga: Two years ago I made a decision to work with an online coach who works with the Positive Intelligence program from Shirzad Chamine. It turned out to be the best investment I've made in myself. I found peace of mind, clarity and a way to live with my inner critics. Wishing you happy belated birthday
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Jeanie: Embrace your inner critic and know that it is there to assist!! We are our own harshest critics because we know ourselves so well!! Hugs & Love to you
- John: Get a Twitter account , you will get plenty of “ outer “ critics.
- Traci: Perhaps you could use it as a tool for reflection, and simply tell yourself “I’ll do my best and that’s enough”? Or every time she visits, use that to give yourself something positive. That might change your mindset.
- Shannon: I just tell it to shut up, out loud for it to hear! It works for awhile.
- Laure: As I was reading your post it made me think about it. There are ones who are gone, ones I have tamped down so they don’t rule my life, but others are there. I try and make sure the ones that are there keep me moving forward and striving to be a better person, kinder, open to new things, those internal beauty ones. The one that linger or I have worked hard to get rid of are the ones that relate to that “outer beauty” or what I believe others see ( weight, scales, physical beauty).
- Kristin: I have 2 inner critics, one that is usually right and I listen to her and the other I have a hard time getting on board with.
- Rebecca: I find my perspective determines a lot of my decisions. So maybe your inner Critic just needs a new position or title. Maybe if viewed as the Head of Hedging, Chief Devil’s Advocate, or something else… and instead of her input as negative chatter, it can become a voice encouraging you to making bigger and bolder steps outside of your comfort zone.
- Niki: I didn’t kill my inner critic, but built up a more compassionate inner voice to reality check my inner critic. Reality checking myself here has helped me reflect instead of getting caught up in things. It keeps my self criticism more productive and realistic, as if I were speaking to friend, as opposed to harsh and negative.
- Holly: Mine always pops up in the shower... make of that as you will. but it has a tendency to remind me of all the things I could have done better. But I tell it you're right i could have. nothing i can do about now but learn from it and move on. a very dear friend of mine once reminded me that I am only human and I'm allowed to make mistakes and feel shitty about them. but as long as i learn from it then its ok. then i'm not a worthless piece of shit.
- Hedda: It depends on what your inner critic is telling you. If she’s berating you for not meeting some arbitrary standard (ie fashion-related or what your desk looks like), then tell her to STFU. If she’s telling you to stop and think about something a bit more before you go ahead, she might have a valid point
And this one ...
- Diana: Read the book “No Bad Parts” by Dr Richard Schwartz. Then let’s talk. Seriously. Love you.
And since Diana always gives me good advice, I bought the book.